Shaming is quick to hurt others. So why do it?

We are going through a sensitive point in history. Infuriating systematic injustices are moving the masses to protest worldwide. George Floyd in America and Iad Halak in Jerusalem are the symbols of today that encompass a long tragic history of suffering and torture under the establishment’s violent hand; the police. And this is not all, we are also deep in our fight against a global pandemic. We are protesting wearing masks. And everyone better remember that the first wave hasn’t peaked yet. The ease of lockdown restrictions will only hit us hard with a second wave and loss of dear lives sooner than we think. I say this and I hope I am wrong. So don’t yell at me with your disagreement, please.

At the heart of my world-view is a belief that we must act on moral necessity. Every decision we make, no matter how small, impacts others and the planet. And more so, it impacts ourselves. If we are the agents of change and if we are to do good in this world, we are ought to grow enough resilience and power in ourselves. This is how we induce a positive change in this world. In short, no matter how small action is; It has an impact and it has to be considered in the moral court of each self. This becomes obvious during pandemics or global outrageous movements. And I hope we remember this as things cool down once we are back to normal (which is going to be a new normal anyway.) This explains why I felt so proud of Americans marching the streets of Austin peacefully last Sunday. Everyone was in the right place doing the right thing.

The path to progress is not a one-way street. Let’s accept each other’s approach.

Now, something to keep in mind is that shaming never works. It is everywhere around us. Social media is filled with anti-protests shaming protesters. And agitated protesters shaming silent crowds for not joining them. Virus-aware individuals talking down, in a morally superior tone, to those who are taking the virus less seriously. Careless folks who are not restricting themselves to social-distancing making harsh comments such as “people with no social life are loving quarantine.”

At the heart of all these heated shaming conversations is a heightened sense of morality that’s gone slightly wrong. First and foremost, shaming others NEVER WORKS! We tried it (in Tahrir Square) and it only caused a greater split in our revolutionary forces. Your parents tried it against you, and you know better than anyone that the more they shamed your actions the more you wanted to keep doing it (I smoke cigarettes to this day as a symbol of rebelling the social shaming I received when I was 16 and started smoking. How about you?) So let’s take a deep breath. Let’s pause for a minute and think about the consequences of shaming. Is it going to help? The only guaranteed outcome of shaming someone is a rebellious response on their end. By shaming others we are creating a greater split in our communities. A split of that sort has some dramatic consequences and can be used against the crowds. It is the divide in the Roman Empire’s “divide and conquer” strategy. Everyone will pay a painful price of a split population. If anything, we need to stay united. We need to be together more than ever. We need to hear each other. Be gentle. And stay empathetic.

I hear you. I see your pain. I understand why it felt like the end of the world when you saw somebody disagree with the protests. For you, it is the ultimate right thing to do. For you, this person is right in the wrong. And they seem less human when they utter their racist words. While I maintain sympathy with you, I am here to remind you of a simple fact: Shaming them won’t help! So, what can we do? Let’s start by the least resistance way. When you hear or read this opinion that feels like the ultimate evil, don’t say anything. If all you can think of saying is shameful words, please don’t say them. We are not asking you to argue with others (which can have a similarly damaging impact on shaming.) My friend Westen Borghesi and I always contemplate on how many Trump supporters are continuing to support him only because of shaming? Some of them see why he is not the global leader that the world needs. But they were shamed so hard that their internal psyche couldn’t help it but rebel every shaming word they received. If you ask me, I think it is the shamers’ responsibility that we couldn’t bring the confused trump supporters back to our side. Humanity hurts every time you shame someone else.

Here is a level up, if you have the heart for it: Ideally, a response to someone in utter disagreement with your moral code is listening. Listen to them and see what is the common ground. What are the shared beliefs here? And what are the things we agree on? Even a very limited set of agreeing principles can go a long way in uniting crowds. Especially knowing that someone who is posting on social media or bringing up a heated topic needs only one thing “To be heard.” So by listening to one another we penetrate a layer of animosity and touch each others’ humanity. Moving forward, a civilized discussion can delve into where do we disagree? Believe me, the more mature you get in this life, the slower you get in discrediting disagreeing opinions. I know when we are young, we start shaping a worldview and boom we think we figured it out and we now know what should be done. But the longer you live, and the more you see how your world view fails. Every world view inevitably dismisses a humongous amount of patterns which lead to the worldview failing at some point. Newton’s robust gravitational worldview fails at explaining quantum and extraterrestrial events. This humbling fact is why maintaining a genuinely open-minded mindset in conversations is necessary. I am asking you to try your best in trying to understand why your fellow human might be right. And what are the patterns that he/she/they are seeing which you dismissed to arrive at your opinion?

Pragmatically speaking, shaming doesn’t go anywhere and it only has adverse effects. Shouts of shame create an undesired divide between the human race. Silence (or quitting a heated debate) is the virtuous alternative to shaming. Yet, to those who can, genuinely listening to others unlocks convergence of the population’s worldview. Democracy thrives on civilized conversations. And humanity hurts every time a shameful word is uttered.

Stay safe. Stay resilient. And don’t forget to empathize; It is a difficult time. A new world is emerging from our daily actions. Let’s choose them wisely.